THE LITE NEWS VOLUME XII

This week has been rather grueling, so in place of an indepth column that would require thought on both of our parts, let’s just have a look at the week.

Carolina has dashed Buffalo’s hopes, but Buffalo fans can be proud of taking this amazing team to task for 7 games. As a Canadiens fan, I was very impressed at how Carolina came back to win 4 straight games against Montreal after a 2-0 start by the Habs in what was some of the most exciting hockey I have watched in years. Cam Ward is awesome, as is Martin Gerber. The team is solid and will give Edmonton a run for their money. Canadian I am, but I am leaning towards the Hurricanes in 6. If it’s any consolation to Oilers fans, I am hardly ever right about these things, thus I stick to opinion editorials.

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Liberal leadership Joe Volpe is pretty much toast, thanks to a bad decision to allow some legal but unethical donations tarnish his campaign. With a field of at least 11 leadership hopefuls, the uncertainty surrounding this fellow will all but eliminate him. After his campaign dithered and claimed that there was nothing wrong with filling their campaign chest with money donated in the name of the children of some corporate players, it has now realized the firestorm of controversy surrounding the issue and has attempted to back pedal out of the quagmire. A great effort, but a little too late. The Volpe campaign is now mud covered.

To his credit, Joe Volpe has done the right thing, but only after the new media and mainstream press had exposed the donations. One has to wonder if the outcome would have been the same if there had been no scrutiny by the press. Legal is one thing; ethical is another. The line should be more clear to those chasing the brass ring.

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A scathing report has been released stating that all Canadians have some level of toxicity in their bodies. My question: Why is anyone really surprised? We spray chemicals on our lawns so they look pretty, on our hair so it stays put, on our food to preserve it, on our vehicles to inhibit rust. We spray for insects and we coat our crops. We would rather use a chemical cleaner on our showers instead of a little elbow grease. I have no idea what that smell in nail salons is, but that stuff could strip chrome off a bumper.

Where did everybody think that these chemicals would end up? As for sounding alarms, I figure that there are probably about one million other things killing us with certainty that we are unaware of. There is no way to live on this planet without using either natural or man-made chemicals, so I don’t see a way around it, either.

Stay tuned, as Michael Moore will no doubt find some compelling proof that Haliburton is behind all of it.

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Stephen Harper has not given an answer to an invitation to attend the Outgames this year in Montreal. In case you don’t live near a cafe where late breaking news breaks, the Outgames are a series of games where gay athletes compete. As of press time, there was no mention of any particular events scheduled. Rumour has it that there will be a water balloon toss as well as the 100m, 200m, and 500m streaking contests. Rules for skipping, such as what exactly ‘double dutch’ is are still being worked out.

Whether the teams will consist of only men, men with women dressed as men, or men with women who think they are men or want to be men has not yet been decided. We do know that smoking will be a no-no.

The Prime Minister has made it clear that he is still not sure what his summer itinerary will be comprised of. If he needs an ‘out’ from the Outgames, I am hereby requesting that he help me paint this summer. All of it. For the whole thing. I’m not kidding.

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Lai Changxing, the Chinese citizen wanted by Beijing for running a $10 billion human smuggling ring, has won a reprieve from being sent home to face the music. It appears that yet another soft-hearted judge has balked at the thought of this purveyor of hopes, dreams, and misery having to face the consequences of his actions. I must add that these consequences, indeed harsh, were well known to this man at the onset of his criminal endeavor.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t point out the fact that many hundreds of people perish each year in barbaric floating cess pools on their way to the promised land, that being anywhere but China and usually North America. In a cold and calculating trade in freedom and human flesh, smugglers of the living feed off of their victims’ hopes and usually extract as much wealth from the desperate as they can. Their human rights are not a consideration.

Once he had stopped laughing, Lai thanked Canada for being so stupid generous. We will now get to spend even more money helping this kingpin evade the justice that awaits him.