THE LITE NEWS VOLUME XI

This would have been a banner week to be a reporter / journalist / pundit, or whatever they are known as these days. I was just going over some of the week’s top stories, and I started laughing. In fact, I was tempted to throw in an audio bite of it but I do realize that just goes against good taste. It’s bad enough I have subjected you all to my corny commercials. They are, by the way, bang on. Hope you liked them.

I will say that this edition of the lite news I cannot take credit for. It has simply been too easy. I will add that this entire column must be dedicated to our fearless leader, Mr. Paul Martin.

—————————————————————————–

Paul Martin was at it again yesterday, accusing Stephen Harper of hiding some of his candidates. His reasoning? We haven’t heard anything from them. Gee Paul, you have roughly 300 candidates as well, have they all been on television this month?

As we get down to the wire, I am sure that some pictures will surface of these “missing” candidates huddled in a church basement holding bibles in one hand and American flags in the other. In fact, rumours have it that I, as a staunch conservative, have started digging a tunnel south under the lake, so that we can have U.S. soldiers in every city. I haven’t figured out what to do with all of that water yet. Perhaps I can sign an agreement with the Americans for it.

The Liberals are discussing terms with Canadian milk producers to get the pictures of these missing candidates onto milk cartons before it is too late.

——————————————————————————

In a bizarre move, it seems that the Liberal riding president for Etobicoke has stronached. (Yes! I got to use my new word!) Ron Chyczij has stated that he cannot, in all good conscience, support a candidate that he feels does not represent the party or the riding. He has thrown his support behind Conservative candidate John Capobianco, stating that an elected senate and free votes in parliament are very appealing and go a long way to addressing his concerns. Seems like this man understands the term “democracy.”

Hmm, I’ll see your stronach, and raise you one. Hit me.

——————————————————————————-

Mr. Martin was passionately rallying the troops this week, worrying those close to him that his head was about to explode. He was found pacing in a men’s room screaming, “Are they crazy?? Do Canadians really want to care for themselves? Twelve years of mind think down the drain!” His handlers quickly brought him back down, and the rally cry resumed shortly afterward.

——————————————————————————

New Liberal buzzword. Are you ready? “Progressive”. I couldn’t believe that Paul Martin would try to pass himself off as “progressive liberal” while trying to defeat a party that most still remember as the “Progressive Conservative Party”. What’s next, the “democratic liberals”? Oops. That almost sounds American, like the Liberal Democrats. I would suggest that Paul go with perhaps, “The New Progressive Liberal Democratic Party.” Does that cover everyone? The slogan could be “Stand For Everything, Believe in Nothing.”

Today’s column is getting progressively worse.

——————————————————————————-

Buzz Hargrove is calling Stephen Harper a separatist. In a move that even the smartest scholar couldn’t have anticipated, Buzz has suggested that to stop the separatist Harper from winning the election, Quebecer’s should vote for real separatists. Am I missing something here? Apparently that new car smell is causing more damage than was originally thought.

——————————————————————————-

New prediction: After it is perfectly clear to Mr. Martin that he is politically dead, he will turn into his true self, and will no longer be able to control the hatred that is stewing in that little pot. Among his last words that night, after congratulating Stephen Harper, will be to issue a statement to you and I. He will point his finger at the screen and say, “You’ll be sorry. Just you wait and see.”

Now he may not use those exact words, but he will most assuredly chastise you and I for having the gall to switch governments. Another reason I am so sure is that I do not believe that this man knows how to bow out gracefully. Perhaps he will prove me wrong, or perhaps this is yet another exclusive Conservative Joe “I told you so.”