THE LITE NEWS VOLUME X

In a major announcement, the Liberal party announced last week that it would be making murder a criminal offence. “This carnage has to stop.”, said a source close to the Prime Minister. “Surely the bad guys will stop killing people if we make it illegal.” Meanwhile, American gun manufacturers, whom our government has tried to make complicit in our inability to stem the carnage, have suggested that they should stop providing our law enforcement agencies with firearms, lest they are sued one day.

Bankers have hailed the move as extraordinary. “Golly,” one said, “I wished they had have thought about this in the old west days.” With criminals sure to obey the newest gun laws, armed robberies should be a thing of the past.

In an announcement meant to match the Liberals, the NDP has stated that it will table legislation making the maximum length of a butter knife 1 inch long. One NDP candidate stated, “That is all that is really needed to butter the common piece of bread. Any longer is just asking for trouble.” In the GTA, 70% of respondents hailed the announcement as wonderful.

Mayor David Miller said the NDP announcement didn’t go far enough. “I want to know why we aren’t getting these steel blades off the street altogether. I myself use plastic, and it does the same job.”

In other news, China is said to be looking for “Substantive progress” in world trade talks. I would think that if I were China, I would want things to stay as they are. I mean, is it possible to buy anything that isn’t made in China? I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to not buy something that is made there, and it just isn’t possible.

B.C. bird farms have been declared free of the avian influenza. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency said that no new signs of the flu have turned up in the last 21 days. However on a recent inspection of one farm, one bird did complain of stomach cramps. He was quickly shot.

A huge storm has dumped up to 47 centimetres of snow on parts of Nova Scotia in the season’s first blizzard. Government experts are busy in their labs trying to find a way to connect the storm to either global warming or George Bush. We will publish the findings as soon as they are released. The Canadian media has already pinned the power outage that was caused on the Conservative Party.

In Montreal, with the closing of the latest “environmental global warming greenhouse gas emission reducing feel good talk a lot” summit, environmentalists are hailing the meetings as a set of agreements that “may save the planet.” Catherine Pearce, of Friends of the Earth International said “This is a major, major deal.” She was later seen pushing her car up Rue du Frontenac in an effort of her own to reduce those nasty greenhouse gases. The exertion did however lead to an increase in methane production.

The Canadian Navy is set to cut back operations as the cost of fuel is becoming restrictive. At Maritime Command headquarters in Ottawa, Lt.Cmdr John Coppard said “We’re just one challenge amongst many related to rising fuel costs because the whole Canadian Forces runs on fuel.” Thanks for the eye opener, Commander. Environmentalists and anti-war protestors were heard to be celebrating the bad news. Another leading military source was more optimistic. “We are in election mode. The Liberal government always promises us money in every campaign, so we are hopeful. If the election were over, we wouldn’t be so confident.”

Meanwhile, Canada is negotiating a deal with the U.S. Navy to have our boats towed out to sea. “This way, we only have to start the engines on the way back, cutting our fuel usage in half.” said one sailor, who asked not to be identified. “We already have to tow our subs back in, so this will be pretty much an extension of the same deal. We will simply tow our other craft out on the way. Besides, illegal fishing boats will think that we are serious this time, because the American boats can fire things.”

That wraps up today’s lite look at the way things are.