THE LITE NEWS VOLUME VIII

In an apparent flip flop this week, the NDP Pocket Pickers have picked up the “We Care for Health-Care” ball and are running with it. Health Minister Ujjal Dosanjh, of the Lyin’ Leftist Libs has been unable to tackle Jack Layton, whom the ref has ordered out of bounds on the matter. Earlier in the game, the NDP had fumbled and dropped the “We care for workers” ball which was quickly snatched up by Stephen Harper and his Competent Conservatives, who were quick to offer incentives to actually encourage businesses to train our youth in the real world, via apprenticeship training. Nearing the end of the fourth quarter, LLL quarterback Paul Martin was ejected from the game for wearing doctored gloves and for unfair play.

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China has announced the names of the next two Taikonauts who are space bound. They are Fly Ying Hi, and Floh Ting Rown. The date of the next launch has not yet been announced. The two astronauts that landed in Inner Mongolia earlier this week had this to say: “We’re very grateful for all the love and concern from our motherland and its people.” and “The living and working conditions inside the cabin were very good.” Who wrote that, the party chairman? Their families are to be freed tomorrow.

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Wilma not only had Fred worried yesterday, but she was rattling commodities traders as the price of crude oil started to rise once again. Speculation that it was cloudy somewhere over Europe added to the fear. Meanwhile, news reporters were aghast that we had run out of letters to name any further tropical storms. The United States hasn’t run out of letters since the Jan.13, 1963 episode of “Sesame Street.” Alan Greenspan has promised that he would begin printing letters immediately. Word of the emergency printing had not reached overseas letter-trading markets before we went to press this morning. Interest rates are expected to rise because of the acute letter shortage. As well, officials will be digging out the inflationary greek alphabet. There was no word on whether the letter shortage would affect oil prices.

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In Greece, researchers continue to test the turkeys from a small private poultry farm on an Aegean Island for the H5N1 strain of bird flu. Apparently, many more turkeys than usual have called in sick this week. Animal rights activists from PITA, the extremist outfit that considers animals above humans, has launched a class action lawsuit for the turkeys, stating that “really cold anal probes are inhumane.” Attempts to have the case moved to the U.S. were gobbled up by the media.

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In a move that has received barely any media attention, NDP MP Bev Desjarlais has failed to receive her parties nomination for the riding which she has served for the past 9 nine years. She states that the reason for her ‘fall from favor’ is that she refused to submit to the strong arm tactics of Jack Layton over the same sex marriage agenda. She probably thought that we were living in a democratic country where she could vote her conscience, but apparently our political parties prefer the dictatorship rules where everyone must do what the man at the top dictates. Bev says that as early as today, she will sit in the House of Commons as an independent, and will run in the next election, saying that she hopes the voters will realize that she keeps her word. ConservativeJoe salutes Bev Desjarlais.

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That wraps up today’s lite look at the way things are in Canada.