THE LITE NEWS VOLUME III

Canada’s Deputy Prime Minister Anne McLellan, responding to reports that Canada is not taking the threat of a terrorist strike on our soil seriously, released details today of a plan to immediately increase enrolment into the national Girl Guide program. Further to the increased enrolment, the current Cookie Brigade will be reduced by 50% so that those Guides can begin patrolling the border, like, tomorrow. As well, they will be issued new Chinese military issue clothing to make them look threatening.

In recent reports over an alleged modification that will allow graphic – scenes to be viewed in the latest of the Grand Theft Auto video game series, Rock Star Games has accused hackers of producing and distributing a ‘mod’ program, allowing game owners to unlock the video sequences. As usual, the game’s maker is blaming someone else, as that is the liberal thing to do. They were unable to explain why they would put it there in the first place. It seems that someone at RockStar has waytoo much time on their hands.

In a related story, Hillary Clinton has said that she will ask the Federal Trade Commission to look into the mod, which is affectionately known as “Hot Coffee”. She may have been heard saying “… at least it wasn’t called the “Cold Stogie” mod.” Rumors abound that some of the graphic video sequences involve her husband and former US president, Bill Clinton. Oh oh, someone feels left out again. She also wants the FTC to determine where the programming is coming from. OK Hillary, stay with me. These CD’s are pressed before they are shipped out and you can’t put anymore information on them once they are pressed. So I suggest that if you want an inquiry into this, you should just inquire from any grade 4 student, as they could tell you without the cost of an inquiry.

In a related, related story, ConservativeJoe is wondering why a hidden sex scene is getting so much attention, when the whole premise of the game is that you are a gangster, can go around killing indiscriminately everyone you see, walk through town with a gun, and carjack families. Not to mention the bonuses you can get if you can gun down so many gang members in an allotted time. Does any of this make much sense? Someone will probably point all this out to Hillary later.

Prime Minister Martin is calling for the creation of an international bomb registry. His plan is to register all explosive devices starting from caps for cap guns, right up to the full size hertz rental truck bomb. Officials from the PMO have said that if they place stringent controls on who can be a suicide bomber, then the numbers will naturally decline. The official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that “we want to take the um, success that we have had from the um, gun registry here in Canada, and apply it globally. As you can see, crimes by law abiding citizens are way, way down. All we have left to do is to convince the criminals to come on down and give us their serial numbers.” First hand estimates put the price tag at around $1 trillion dollars, but after the contracts are awarded to Quebec companies who are friends with the Liberals, the skies the limit. See, you can’t say we weren’t paying attention.

A 53-year-old man from Prince Edward Island has been sentenced to three months in jail and two years probation for possessing ography. At Wednesday’s sentencing, Judge Ralph Thompson called the 7500 images “sickening,” and said this type of crime must be condemned in the strongest of terms. I don’t know about you, but if three months in jail is the ‘strongest of terms’, let’s hope this man’s tenure on the bench is as short as the slaps on the wrist that he hands down.

As the hockey lockout came to a close this weekend, Toronto fans were expectedly downcast. When asked why the long face, one fan responded, “So much for staying in a tie for first.”

That wraps up today’s lite look at the way things are in Canada.