I’M OVER HERE, OUT IN LEFT FIELD

I have always wondered what it would be like to have a sprinkler system installed. Perhaps I could turn it on when those pesky gas marketers come up my sidewalk. It would be nice, but alas, a luxury that I cannot justify. After all, it doesn’t take long to water my tiny lawn. If MPP Linda Jeffrey has her way, my next home just may have a brand spanking new sprinkler system. The only problem with it is that it will be in the house. What a tasty addition to my stucco ceilings.

I know, I know. Safety is more important that style. Having gotten that out of the way, I must insist that this is just one more step in the total control over our lives. Frankly, coming from an Ontario politician, it doesn’t surprise me. It seems that our politicians have way too much free time. Perhaps they should take a fall break in addition to their spring break, their summer break, their Christmas break… One good thing about breaks is that my rights and freedoms aren’t eroding at quite the same pace during them.

Proponents of this law are quick to point out that sprinkler systems, while saving lives, are very high maintenance. This is a code phrase for “expensive to maintain.” With the rate of inflation on my tax bill, I surely don’t need one more thing to take care of every year.

Further, I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of politicians dictating and legislating every facet of my life. Personally, I don’t want a sprinkler system in my house. As a person allegedly living in a free country, I choose to not have one. If you think that is stupid, so be it. The point is that we should be able to make choices, but more and more, we are losing that right and privilege. I am tired of pompous politicians telling me how to live, plain and simple.

This really stupid idea is getting lots of attention so I thought to myself, “Hey!, Why don’t I draft a stupid law?”

Perhaps we could ban indoor cooking. Let’s require all home owners to erect “building shanties” in their back yards. This way, we could prevent many fires. Perhaps all cars could have Nascar cages installed, which for the most part would eliminate many vehicular deaths. We could require all citizens who leave their homes to be equipped with full body armor, thus eliminating drive by shootings and random attacks. Swimming pool owners could be forced to have reservoirs built underneath their inground pools where they could store the pool water when not in use, thus eliminating accidental drownings.

All elderly people on medication will be required to hire private nurses to ensure they are taking the right dosages at the right times. This will reduce the strain on our health system. New liquor bottles will come with built in jigs, allowing only 1 shot to be dispensed from the bottle per 2 hour period, thereby reducing alcohol dependancy. All knives must be dulled. All food served in restaurants must be pureed to eliminate choking risks.

These are really stupid ideas, and they were a little difficult to come up with. I bet someone in Ontario will table one of these bills before I die.