IF WE’RE GONNA MESS WITH THE PLANETS, LET’S DO THE CALENDAR, TOO.

There is much talk in the press about the International Astronomical Union and its plan to redefine, or more accurately finally define, exactly what it is that makes a planet a planet.

So far their definition is sketchy and has not received widespread acclamation by those who live in the world of astronomy. To be fair, years of bickering have taken place because of the lack of a concrete definition, but it seems that the proposed new definition brings with it some evident problems.

With our moon pulling away from us by about an inch-and-a-half a year, it will one day become a planet. This alone shouldn’t concern anyone, as it would take more than a billion years to do so, and we most likely won’t be here anymore. Some objects that definitely aren’t planets would become so, such as the asteroid Ceres. Earth’s solar system would gain 3 planets immediately.

Personally, the decision won’t make a profound effect on my life, so I haven’t been giving it much thought. The calendar, however, has to change.

I have to find out who decides exactly how many days we get in a year. Oh, I know it all revolves around our orbit of the sun, which takes roughly 365 and one-quarter days, but since the people who gave our days their names are long gone, I thought we could perhaps tinker with them a bit.

Take Sunday. I would like to see the name of that one changed to ‘Sumday’. Think of all of the things that would finally be accomplished. We are told that ‘Sumday’, men will live in peace. ‘Sumday’, people will see the errors of their ways and repent. ‘Sumday there will be a cure for this and that. Individually, how many of us have promised ourselves that ‘Sumday I’m going to do that!’

As for Monday, a day nobody really wants anyway, that one is next. We can change that one to ‘Wunday’. We have all been waiting a long time for ‘Wunday.’ My kids ponder its very existence every time they ask if we are ever going to be able to afford a real holiday. I tell them ‘Wunday’ we will get away. We have all heard the song ‘Wunday I’ll fly away.’ but alas, ‘Wunday’ never comes.

Friday is fine, so no need to change it. Thursday suits me, but we could change that one to ‘Payday’. That way, nobody will ever have to be broke for more than six days in a row. Well, it would apply to those willing to work and able to at any rate. When is the last time at your work shouted “Yahoo, it’s Thursday”?

Wednesday. Who spelled this atrocity? Have you ever said this name the way it is spelt? Wed Nez Day. Either change the spelling of this day or rename it to ‘Yesterday’. Imagine if you could go back to yesterday once a week? Right now you have to fly from east to west really fast to get to yesterday, but that would no longer be the case. Whenever your kids say “You told me that we could do that yesterday”, you will be able to double check right after Tuesday.

Tuesday. Ya, nice spelling again. Let’s make it ‘Choose Day’. Any and all decisions and life guiding choices will have to be left until ‘Choose Day’, thus enabling procrastinators the world over a chance to fit in with those of us who make decisions on a minute-by-minute basis. This will eliminate the need to label people as afraid of making commitments, shirkers, procrastinators, indecisive and so on. I am sure that the Psychiatric Association of your nation will be receptive to this one.

Planet names? Doesn’t really do much for me, but these day names have got to get better.

Sumday, Wunday, Choose Day, Yesterday, Payday, Friday, Saturday.

Perfect.

Have a great weekend.